9/11

I'm not posting this coming Thursday. I felt I should share my 9/11 story now. I've actually never sat down and written this out.

Everyone knows what they did, where they were, and how they reacted. I remember what I wore. I remember who I ate lunch with. I remember fear, and most of all I remember feeling the seeds of an deep anger that continues to grow, to this day.

I awoke on 9/11 around 8:30. I had a 9:30 class. For some reason, I did not turn on the morning news, which had become apart of my routine. I was 19 years old. I was a sophomore in college.

I only got a bagel and milk for breakfast. I got to class about 9:10am. It was then that one of my classmates (and I remember exactly who, and strangely, exactly what she was wearing) informed me and a few other students who arrived early that two passenger jets had flown into the World Trade Center. The girl next to me said (and again, I remember exactly what she was wearing too,) "Well that sucks, all those people are dead."

My professor had no idea what had happened. It was a media workshop class that was broken up into two groups. One group went into the studios while the other group waited in the classroom for their turn. We were in the studio with a satelite feed but Dr. Igyor did not turn around to see what was coming over the feed. In fact, he kept yelling at the students who kept turning around to look at the monitor. It was in this period that the Pentagon was struck. He did find out, once we went back to the classroom and the next group who had been waiting in the satelite monitor room informed him.

I watched Tower Two collaspe and was nearly ill. I don't think my brain comprehended what my eyes saw. I still don't think it's fully made that connection. CNN went to commercial break, actually, after their anchor (I don't recall who it was, it was male, though) said "There are no words."

I did not see Tower One collaspe, I was between buildings.

My next class was Calc. The news continued to get progressively worse. Another plane was missing, possibly down in Western Pennsylvania. Some of my classmates in Calc did not know about what had happened.

I went to lunch and tried to catch more news (everyone was rather calm, although there was a run on the ATM that morning), then I went to Biology. Dr. Steueck (now retired) informed the class that one of the pilots on the American Airlines jet was a friend of his. I nearly lost it.

I sat in front of a television for the rest of the evening. It was quiet on my floor (the coming days would see a xenophobia that would make the Nazi's proud...and definitely made me liberal). I flipped out on a hallmate who suggested we watch "Die Hard II." That's the one with the plane crashes.

I distinctly remember putting a big black X through Afghanistan on my world map. That was done in anger. I also made some anti-immigrant statements that I now regret making. I have since purchased a new World map.

I went through most of that day in a haze, and frankly, it was the longest day of my life. Finally, at 4am Wednesday, I turned off the TV and everything sank in. I thought, "My God, it's all over. This is the beginning of the end. We are doomed." And I cried.

I didn't get out of bed until Friday at noon.

I personally didn't lose anyone, although my parents did. Even so, the events affected me in such a way that I woke up on September 12th, 2001 a fundamentally different person than who I was on the morning of September 11th, 2001. Since then I've had anxiety disorders, bouts of depression, a loss of faith in God, and a lot of anger. Most of that I've reconciled. I think I am still very angry.

Early on, in the intial weeks, we were informed that there were warnings. I was infuriated. Then the Patriot Act, an act that no one who endorsed it read, was signed into law. Afghanistan was bombed, an act I supported. In that time, we were informed that Bin Laden got away. I was infuriated again. Then, John Ashcroft stated that those who criticize give aid and comfort to America's enemies. I could no longer support the Bush Administration after that point. And that meme has never gone away. Note Ann Coulter's "Treason."

Then came May 2002 and the news that "Bush Knew." Then came the war talk, again. By the time I started this blog, I had had enough, and I think the early days of this blog reflect that.

So, two years later, I'm still angry. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the terrorists who could strike again. Most of all, I'm afraid for America. The discourse in this country has been poisoned by the rhetoric surrounding two wars (or three, depending on how you look at it). Liberal is a dirty word in the US now. Ann Coulter and her ilk think we're all treasonous. Add in the anti-democratic Christian fundamentalists and you have the reason I see dark clouds just over the horizon.

That's the reason this blog is titled as it is.

And I hope I'm totally wrong for it.